I started to write after 4 previous postings. It’s harder to
write this time. The first 4 times the flow was there. The spontaneity was
there. But now, each time I write something, my mind plays a trick with me. My
mind quickly organize what I intended to write. The mind wants perfection. The
mind wants polish writing. It
refuses to accept any flaws or defect. It wants some writing that is
presentable. It wants people to read and enjoy it. It wants to know what other
people thinks about the piece of writing. It wants people to talk about it. The
mind expects some result. It wants a goal. What is the point of writing for the
sake of writing if there is no goal? Everything we do need to have a goal. We
need objective. What is the aim? The aim is directed to both the writer/author
and the reader. The author wants the reader to read and understand the message
being conveyed. The author wants the readers to read and praise or critic the
writings. There reader reads it to find out what is it all about. Either he
accept it partially or fully as it suits his ego. Or reject it fully if it
challenges his ego.
This
is the dilemma I was facing yesterday. I wrote half way and I stopped. I
stopped writing the moment I realized there is no spontaneity in it. It is not
natural. It comes from my organized thinking. It comes from my past. It is not
alive. It is dull. Dull mind cannot write. Dull mind is equivalent to dying.
It’s like committing suicide. It has to die. There is no energy in it. There is
no meaning in it. The writing would be just the copied words and phrases.
Nothing new in the writing if it is written based on an organized mind. It would be repeating as what other has
said. It would be just the same core with some adjustment with the periphery.
With some twist and bends. No meaning at all. No meaning whatsoever.
I
realized how dull I am. How mechanical I am. How I am so confounded to the same
routine. I am restless with even a slight deviation with the routine. My mind
has found a security in routines.
The moment I deviate from it, it retaliates. It wants to go back to the
routine. It is just not used to the new path. It feels safe with the same path.
After all, everybody is doing the same routine. Why should I differ? Why should
I run from the norm? The path has been tasted and tested by others. Surely it
is the safest way. It can’t be other way around. My father has done the same thing
and he is still following certain routine. My mother has done same thing and
she has her own routine. Even my professor has his own routine.
I
woke up the other day and started to think about work. I started to think I am
going to be late and I rushed with my packed lunch. I walked briskly to the
tram station (stop 44). Just 50 meters before I reached the tram stop, my mind
was running ahead of my pace, praying the tram would not pass now. If the tram
passes now, I would have to wait another 15-20 minutes for the next tram to
come. The feeling that I have to wait for another tram would create tremendous uneasiness
in me. I would blame myself for walking so slowly. I would be thinking I should
have woken up 1 minute earlier. I would be blaming myself for taking my own
sweet time while brushing teeth or while answering the nature’s call. Now I am thinking whether I might reach
late to work. I am thinking what would be the professor’s opinion on me for
joining late for the ward rounds.
I was sure he wasn’t being impressed if I am late again. So much of
thoughts running in my mind in that 50 meters of distance before I reached the
tram. I realize the tram hasn’t
passed the stop and in fact I reached 5 minutes earlier than tram. But why
within that 50 meters my mind has to race with that many thoughts.
I realized my mind assumes that
the tram might reach to the stop 44 just before me and created all the
subsequent connecting thoughts. My mind, I realized has the capability to
reason out the causes and consequences if the tram would have pass before I
reach the stop 44. It has find out
a way to react to the situation that might or might not happen. My mind creates
a way for me to adapt to the situation in the event I miss the tram. It creates
a buffer for me so that I will be capable to accept that there are a chance of
me missing the tram and what are the consequences of it. The mind comes even
with possible solutions in the event I miss the tram and late for work. My mind
teaches me to find a reason in case I was asked by my professor for the late
appearance for the rounds. In the
nick of the time, my mind has prepared with few possible answers. Why I am late
to work? Reasoning 1: The tram was late. Instead of blaming myself to reach
late at the stop 44, my mind finds it easier to blame the tram. Reasoning 2:
The tram was malfunction during the course of its route to my workplace (which
is stop 14). Reasoning 3: I woke
up late, as my alarm clock wasn’t functioning. Interestingly in the third
reasoning my mind put the blames on the alarm clock (which happened to be my
I-phone 3) that is already 2 years old. I started to analyze of course with the
help of the same mind for all the reasoning. I found in all three reasoning
there are some similarities. The first similarity is in all the reasoning; I
was never being blamed by my mind. In the first 2 reasoning’s, my mind cleverly
puts the blame on the innocent tram. On the third reasoning, my mind puts the
blame on I-phone 3(alarm clock). I further questioned my mind why is that so.
On further analysis, I realized that I had experience with the tram coming late
and there was once the tram did stopped completely and I have to board another
tram to work. So I figured out that those two particular events probably would
have stored in my brain and my mind conveniently retrieve it to accept that as
the cause for my late arrival. The third reasoning has a reason too. There was
an instance 3 weeks after my arrival in Australia; my I-phone could not be
switched on. As my I-phone takes the role of alarm clock, again my mind
cunningly took that particular event as my third reasoning for being late to
work. Now I was asking my self a
question. Why my mind never blames me? Why my mind refuses to accept the blame
on itself? Each time the blame goes outwardly. It never comes inwardly.
I realized as well that I was
never late at the first place. In fact I reached 5 minutes earlier than the
tram. But within the distance of 50 meters so many questions, possible causes,
consequences and reasoning was running in my mind. I realized how my mind plays
the trick with me by giving a situation and at the same time prepares an answer
for it. After all, the situation never arises. I wasted so much of energy
thinking of it in that short 50 meters of distance. The moment I ‘stepped out’
and looked at my own mind, suddenly all the questions disappeared. All then
possible causes stopped. All the possible consequences stopped. All the
possible reasoning stopped. Everything stopped. The tram stopped as well and I
took the tram to work and reached on time.
No comments:
Post a Comment