It was 4.55 pm. I was waiting for 5pm to go back home. The exact time of 5 pm has been fixed
in my mind that I should complete my entire task and leave. Or sometimes it
doesn’t matter, by 5pm I should go back whether the task has been completed or
not. The task can wait for tomorrow. But the 5pm can’t wait. I must go back at
5 pm although by reaching home on time is not going to change any of my future
plans. Actually I have no future
plans except to cook, watch TV and sleep. The same routine I have been performing
for the past 3 months of my stay in Australia. I am sure it’s not going to
change my life even a slightest inch by going back sharp at 5pm. I am pretty sure that the world will be
remained the same as what it is without any change what so ever even if I
reached home 1 minute later. But that is not the question here. The question is
I have to go back at 5pm. I have
been always pre-occupied with time. I always make sure that at 5pm, I should
start packing my bag with the black umbrella and lunch box to head home. I will
lock the drawer and with the jacket on, I will head towards the tram. The tram stop is just 20 meters away
from the hospital door. But I have to cross 2 traffic lights for the pedestrian
cross before I reach the tram stop. There are times while waiting for the
traffic light to turn green; the tram 59 will pass in front of my eyes. I will
curse myself for missing the tram in which I have elaborated in very detail in
yesterday’s writing.
So
I have decided one day, not to go back at 5pm. I am going to wait for the time
to pass after 5pm. I have decided not to listen to my mechanical mind and start
packing at 5pm. I have decided to ignore ‘it’. I just sat on my chair. I did
not concentrate on my task either. I just sat in my office in front of the iMac
aimlessly to just observe what will happen if I refused to listen to my
mechanical mind. I waited and waited, for seconds, and minutes just for the
clock to pass 5 pm and resisted every opportunity to get up to head home. My
mind has failed to convince me at that particular time to go back by 5pm. But
at 5.40 pm, I thought I should go back. While walking down the stairs from my office,
which is situated at the 4th floor, I have this particular tendency to
pick up a free newspaper at ground floor. I would use the freely distributed
newspaper while travelling in the tram to avoid a sense of awkwardness, which I
always felt while sitting in the tram with complete strangers. The content of the newspaper does not
really matter for me but I will go through every page readings only the
subtitles, conveniently avoiding the details. I am not sure why I have these
predilections to read the subtitles alone unless the content is at utmost
significance.
While
walking to the tram stop, it came to my mind that I should not again listen to
my mechanical mind. Instead of taking the tram at the convenient stop 14, which
is just 20 meters from the hospital doorstep, I have decided to walk further
and to take tram at other stops. I also firmly decided not to take the freely
distributed newspaper today and not going to entertain myself by reading the
subtitles. There I was walking, observing how my mechanical mind will try to
convince me to take the tram at the most convenient stop. My mind was trying to
convince me that I already paid for the daily trip via the tram and I should
take the tram instead of walking. It came up with other few suggestions why I
shouldn’t walk and just take the tram.
The weather was too cold to enjoy the walk. I am wasting my time by
walking, as it takes longer to reach home. I can’t possibly reach home by walking alone as my home is
12 km away. What I am achieving through all these exercises and experiments.
The tram will be more crowded if I board on it after 6 pm as other public
commuters will be start using it. All these excuses were running in my mind
while I was walking. I have decided to ignore and just walk without listening
to my mechanical mind. I realized my mind is nothing better than a chatterbox.
Its keep on chatting like a priest repeating a ‘mantra’. My mind keep on
haunting me like a broken record. It refuses to give up. It’s worse than my
shadow. At least a shadow will
stop momentarily without the sun. But the mind just refused to back off. It
likes to question me at every instance whether I am paying attention or not. I
have decided to completely ignore it and just walk while concentrating in my
breathing. After a few hundred meters of walk, I realized I was just walking.
The chatterbox was not there. The shadow was not there. There were no more
excuses. There was no more reasoning. There were no more suggestions. For the
first time I realized ‘I’ was walking alone without the mechanical mind. And it’s a different feeling what so ever.
It’s so difficult to describe the feeling. It was just a deep silence. Although
outside ‘me’ there was hundred of cars and people passing by but inside it was
utter emptiness. Inside there was a complete silence.
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